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How to Support a Friend After a Loss: Practical Tips and What to Say

  • Writer: Oliver Remington
    Oliver Remington
  • Jun 29
  • 3 min read

Updated: Jun 30

Grief is both universal and intensely personal. Even when we’ve walked through loss ourselves it can feel impossible to know the right thing to do or say for someone else. The guidelines below gather insights from mental health research, bereavement educators and people who have been on the receiving end of support so you can show up with confidence and compassion.


Two women holding hands in a somber setting, one resting her head. Others sit in blurred background. Black and white photo. Mood: reflective.

Remember that grief isn’t linear

People cycle among denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance in no fixed order, sometimes within the same afternoon. Experts urge patience over timelines and flexibility over “stages.”


Words that comfort After a Loss

Goal

Examples you can use

Why it helps

Acknowledge the pain

“I’m so sorry this hurts.”

Validates feelings without comparing losses.

Center them, not you

“I’m here for you, and I’ll keep checking in.”

Promises ongoing presence.

Honor the loved one

“Tell me a favorite story about __.”

Invites storytelling, which aids healing.

Name the hard reality

“I can’t imagine how hard this is, but I care.”

Shows humility and empathy.

Tips

  • Say the person’s name. Hearing it keeps memories alive.

  • Match their energy. If they want to laugh at a funny memory, laugh with them; if they’re quiet, honor the silence.


What not to say

  • “Everything happens for a reason.”

  • “At least they lived a long life.”

  • “Be strong.”

  • “I know exactly how you feel.”

These phrases minimize grief or shift the focus to the speaker. Platitudes often carry an unspoken “…so don’t feel so bad,” which feels invalidating to the mourner.


Practical help that really matters

Time frame

Actions that lighten the load

First days

Bring meals; offer airport runs; pet-sit; handle phone calls.

First months

Set up a chore rota or meal-train; walk the dog; invite them for a walk.

Ongoing

Remember anniversaries and holidays; text “Thinking of you today.”

Tip: 

Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” offer specific tasks (“I’m at the grocery store can I grab milk for you?”). It removes decision fatigue.


Keep showing up after the casseroles stop

Social support often drops off 2-6 weeks post-funeral, just when reality sinks in. Calendar a check-in at one month, three months, the first birthday or holiday without the loved one, and the one-year mark. Consistency signals that their loss isn’t old news.


When to suggest professional help

About 7-10 % of bereaved people develop complicated grief persistent, disabling yearning and distress. Signs include inability to function at work, substance misuse or thoughts of self-harm lasting longer than six months. Gentle cues like “Have you thought about talking with a grief counselor?” can open the door.


Care for yourself, too

Supporting someone in deep pain can stir up your own memories and fatigue. Debrief with a trusted friend or therapist, set boundaries when necessary, eat and sleep well, and recognize that your well-being strengthens the help you can offer.


Key Takeaways

  • Lead with empathy and listening. Simple, heartfelt presence beats perfect words.

  • Avoid fixer language. Grief isn’t a problem to solve.

  • Offer concrete help and calendar future check-ins.

  • Watch for prolonged distress and encourage professional care.


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